By Teresa Ruiz Pedersen
Children need a family structure that allows them to grow within an emotional and social order, so they can function well in school, achieve maturity, and face the challenges of both their academic and adult lives.
Let’s imagine that you’re in a store with your child under the age of five and a colleague. Suddenly, your child says, “Buy me an ice cream,” but the ice cream he wants isn’t sold at that store, and he knows it. Still, he insists that you take him to another store to get it. Faced with the child’s persistence and your companion’s surprise, you decide to go to the other store to please him with the specific ice cream he wants.
According to studies by psychologist Diana Baumrind, permissive parenting—used by some parents, caregivers, or educators—sets few boundaries, rules, or expectations, in order to avoid confrontation and/or tantrums. In this article, we will analyze the causes of permissiveness in parenting styles and the long-term consequences this can have in a child’s adult life.
The main characteristic of the permissive style is that the adult in charge of the child sets few or low demands, but maintains a high level of warmth in their relationship with the child. However, what are the reasons that prevent this adult from offering the child a conversation that helps them analyze situations and behave in a calm and orderly manner?
Causes of Permissive Behavior Toward Minors
Among the main causes of a permissive parenting style, we will highlight the most common:
- Authoritarian Upbringing:
Permissive parents are often people who, in their childhood, suffered under an authoritarian and emotionally distant parent. That pain led them, once they became parents themselves, to make the conscious decision not to repeat that model. This is the main reason why they behave in an indulgent, affectionate, and warm manner with their children, avoiding strict rules, boundaries, or restrictions, and preferring instead to become their children’s friends. - Lack of Role Models:
If an adult was raised by grandparents who, out of affection, overprotected and gave the child everything they wanted, that adult grew up without role models for setting limits. This is often the case, for example, with orphaned children. In a 1993 study, Dr. Schaffer found that individuals who experienced permissive parenting are highly likely to repeat that same parenting style when they become parents themselves, perpetuating loosely structured behavior patterns. - Avoiding Conflict:
The idea of wanting children to be happy is common among most emotionally healthy adults. However, trying to ensure children grow up without stress can lead an adult to become permissive. Likewise, some parents try to avoid disagreements or emotional distance. This often occurs in separated or divorced parents who spend little time with their children and leave most of the responsibility to the mother, who typically has custody most days. Meanwhile, the father takes on the task of entertaining the children only on weekends or holidays.
Whatever the reason for being a permissive parent or adult, it is important to understand that learning how to raise a child or student is a life goal that can be achieved. If you study and analyze the consequences of a parenting style filled with affection but lacking in discipline, you will see that many of these outcomes can be avoided through education, awareness, and training.
Impact on Children
If a child is raised with too much permissiveness and little discipline, the following consequences may appear in their adult life, affecting their development until they decide to break the pattern:
Lack of Self-Control and Self-Regulation:
In the study by Baumrind (1966) and Maccoby & Martin (1983), it was found that adults raised under a permissive model tend to have:
- Lower frustration tolerance
- Difficulty controlling impulses
An adult with self-control is someone who knows how to adapt to a situation by regulating and managing their emotions. They understand limits; they don’t get frustrated if things don’t go their way, because they’ve learned to reason through situations. This person accepts a “no” as an answer.
In our example, if the mother calmly explains to her child that they don’t have time to go to another place, or that there is no money, she is teaching him to value things, no matter how big or small they are. That child will grow up learning to analyze the pros and cons of each situation and, as a result, will develop self-control.
That child will learn not to get easily frustrated; their decisions will be based on being practical and realistic. Their actions will not be abusive or impulsive, because they were raised by an adult who taught them rules and respect—both for themselves and for others.
Lack of Responsibility and Organization:
Many adults who lacked a clear family structure—one that taught them how to organize their belongings, help around the house, or follow a routine—may later in life adopt a disorganized lifestyle, have difficulty meeting deadlines, managing finances, or achieving goals. A study by Eisenberg et al. (2005) concluded that lack of structure in childhood is closely linked to a reduced ability to reach objectives or take effective action in adulthood.
Conclusions
Children and adolescents who grow up without clear goals or boundaries, and who live without restrictions, tend to develop an unrealistic view of the world around them. They believe everything should come easily and without effort. When they don’t have their mother or father to please them, they may become more vulnerable to addictions, academic or professional failure, or even fall prey to political or ideological indoctrination that promotes disorder and mediocrity.
It is likely that an adult raised permissively will remain in constant conflict, challenging rules and struggling to accept correction. In addition, they may form unhealthy relationships with friends, neighbors, or romantic partners who are not good for them.
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